We are getting pretty close to Kadee Jane getting here...3-4 weeks now...and we cannot wait! Seriously, we are so excited about her getting here that the days are passing by so slowly!! As of yesterday, Kadee is still breech. She has been in this same position, that we know of, for at least 16 weeks. Apparantley she is very comfortable lol! They have given us about another week of any chance that she can turn bc she is over 5 lbs and running out of room. Healthy but stubborn! So, we have already been given the "c-section" talk by the Dr.
This pregnancy has been so different than when I was pregnant with Casen. With Casen, everything was exciting, new and just fun! In trying to have another baby, we lost two babies back to back, each between 2 and 3 months along and really were starting to think that a 3rd child was not in the cards for us. We were at the end of a long run of miscarriages, emotional rollercoasters and lots of horomonal ups and downs (naturally and the pill kind!) when we finally got pregnant this time around with Kadee. We have been very excited from the first positive pregnancy test but it's a different kind of excitement, a cautious one. The kind that you "can't shake the knot in your stomach as you smile on the outside" kind bc you know nothing is certain and that the next Dr visit could be one more "bad" ultrasound to add to the album of all our other angel babies good and "bad" ultrasounds. Our Dr., Dr. Speed has truly held our hand through this pregnancy and has given us reassuring ultrasound after ultrasound just to help ease our minds that things were going smoothly. We are so grateful for that! We have had a few bumps in the road with spotting and contractions that just keep you a little on edge but Kadee seems to have been healthy this whole time. This year has also been a not so great year for "friend pregnancies". We have known several friends this year that have lost babies in the second and even 3rd trimester for no apparant reason or very unexpectedly, which leaves us not only very hearbroken for them but even more on edge about our own pregnancy.
This is where my title comes in. Fear, does not come from the Lord. There are so many times that I have to stop my runaway mind of "what ifs" and just pray, because I know that the devil knows my fear, my fear of something happening to this baby that we desperately want and have tried to have for years, and feeds off of it. With every word of bad news from someone elses' pregnancy, every cramp, or every slow of her movements, the devil uses that opportunity to plant those thoughts in our heads.
I found myself a few weeks ago realizing that I was over 8 months pregnant and had not washed anything, opened anything or attempted to get anything ready for this sweet girl. If you had looked around our house then you prob wouldn't have even known that we had a girl that would be here in a month or so. Now I am busy with the boys, don't get me wrong, but I really had to have an honest moment with myself and get to the bottom of this. Fear was at the root of this. I had put myself in protection mode and was just trying to not "set myself up". I was afraid. Afraid of opening her stuff and getting even more excited about her upcoming arrival. Afraid of getting that much more attached to her. Afraid she would never make it to our house. I was constantly (even subconsiously sometimes)imagining coming home empty handed and having to face a closet of pink clothes or a crib with nothing to put in it. You get the picture. That seemed like so much more of a reality to me than actually bringing this girl home. What little faith I had! Here I am, the daughter of God Almighty and I am afraid. Really afraid. I serve a God that allowed me to get pregnant with a healthy girl to start with when odds were really stacking against us. A God that clearly states that there are only good plans for me and I am so full of doubt and plain ole fear that I can't even open a pack of pink socks or get anything out of storage. Crazy. We all struggle with something or many somethings. But really, who has ever faced anything that was was too big for God? Even though I am facing my fear with prayer daily and have a completely put together nursery now (well corner, Kadee's Corner as we call it, of our room bc we are out of room but you get the pic), washed and hung the cutest pink clothes on hot pink hangers (and described most outfits to her so she could be excited too :)and sterilized bottles, I am still not really guaranteed that things will go "right" but I do know, with great peace and comfort, that whatever happens will be because that is what God's plan was for us and that He would not put me through anything without equipping me with the grace sufficient to get through it in a way that no one on the outside would even begin to understand! I am so thankful for this and am encouraged by it multiple times a day!
We still would appreciate any prayers for us and Kadee's delivery. Obviously "I" would prefer to deliver her naturally but at the same time we are not attempting any of the "tricks" to get her to turn and are completely relying on God to let her be delivered as He sees fit. We just want her to be kicking and screaming however she gets here! Judging by her already "Diva-ish" attitude, I don't think that will be a problem! 3.5 weeks and counting!
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